new life church

so the last two weekends, i have attended new life church in ann arbor. it is, according to its website, a non-denominational church "Emphasizing faith-filled prayer as the key to unleashing the supernatural power of God in (their) lives and in the lives of those with whom (they) are involved." and yes, i got some of that. but mostly what i got was balls amount of happiness.

i hate happiness.

let me explain. i'm all for being happy. i did the depression thing. it involved being desperate for attention and cutting myself and going to a shitty therapist who thought i was an idiot. but i like a nice, steady, unexciting level of happiness with no ebbs or bumps. i cannot handle people who are so thrilled with life that they have to raise their hands and praise a god who i'm not entirely sure exists. and if he does exist, i don't think he likes me very much. i couldn't even think of it as a cultural event-- it was just a bunch of white preppy kids listening to a praise band and acting as if they had contracted some nervous system disease.

they talked about god being active in their lives. they talked about how god had pulled them through a difficult time, or guided their family, or provided them with answers. i can think of one incidence in which god did something i asked for directly. no, i'm not dead. nor do i have some life-threatening disease and i haven't been hit by a bus. neither have anyone in my family. but if i had prayed, and that did happen, would that disprove god? i have all these questions, and no one seems to have the answers i'm looking for.

i stopped going to church last easter when i got a call from my sister that my mom was in the hospital. she then didn't wake up for a month. granted, it forced her to deal with her problem and she's better now (even has a new hip and everything). but i don't take blunt irony well. easter= happy, mom nearly dead=not happy. to which i responded: god, fuck you.

now i live in a house of agnostics/atheists, and they seem (to some degree) to not have gone completely off the deep end. i don't know what i expected. once again, because i am internally twelve years old, i am at one end somewhat sad for them (like my belief is so strong) and envious of their ability to live without guilt.

i think that's my problem. i'm really, really tired of the guilt. i want to do something, anything, without feeling like there is someone sitting on my shoulders telling me not to do it. i want to not have to be shitass drunk to stop thinking and start doing.

i hope this doesn't screw me over in the end. i'll be kind of ticked if it does.