i don't want to be your black friend

no, i never post here. but i need to improve my writing and stop sounding like a douche, so here goes.

i don't want to be your black friend. i wouldn't want to be your female friend, or (four years ago) your fat friend. i'm terrified that your opinion of me is what your opinion will be of any future black people that you meet, for better or for worse.

i used to watch that cosby show spinoff a different world. you know, that show with a southern girl named whitley (she sounded like a black, young blanche deveroe from golden girls) and some dude with flip-up glasses? thats what i think of when i think of "black". they went to a historically black college and watched step competitions and argued about malcolm x (thats also where lisa bonet went from cute to not attractive).

i, oddly, don't think of the black friends i have at michigan (which are few and far between, and for that i feel terrible) or the black friends i had on my street. i don't even think of my father as black, for some reason. i mean, he is. i know that. but he's.. different. my sister has much more caucasian characteristics than i do (she's on the left of me, and yes, she's much more attractive than i am, no need to remind me. i blame my underbite and excess of jaw).

to me, black seems like it should mean what it means to be indian-- that you know all these people and share these traditions and think similar thoughts and know what its like to feel different in the exact same way. but it doesn't. not at all. being black, in some ways, is kind of what its like to be catholic or jewish. yeah, you can be born into it, or baptized it. but you don't really have to do anything to identify yourself as it or be identified with it.

people seem to notice that i'm black far more than i do. they look at me to see if i'm offended by photographs or images (to be honest, i'm usually not). they tell me i'm being too black, or not black enough. they point out other people who might be "less black" than me. this is all very strange to me.

if i were white, i don't think any of my characteristics would be all that odd. the music i listen to, the clothes i wear, the things i like to do, none of it would be all that out of the ordinary. sometimes i wish i were white. i do love to be different and thus the center of attention, but i like defining that role on my terms. somehow, i feel as if i walk into a room and opinions are already formed about me. im sure the same thing occurred when i was fat-- assumptions made about what i did or what i are or what people thought of me. but i can't make myself a blank slate if i have an immutable characteristic with enough baggage to take up three spike jones films attached.

sometimes, i want to forget, just blend in and be me and have no opinion on civil rights or affirmative action or anything just because i'm "supposed" to.i just want to be here without anyone making assumptions. i want to live my life without having to do so for an entire racial group that i have very little contact with. but i guess all i can do is try to be myself. yeah, that'll work.